I tried so many times. I tried to say no. I tried begging him to stop. I didn’t want too. I wasn’t in the mood. Why wasn’t any of that enough?
Beginning of my first official “adult” summer. I had just turned 18 and was invited to my very first party ever. This guy that I liked invited me. I walked in thinking I was hot shit, yet feeling isolated and alone. I didn’t know anyone.
I drank until I could speak. That was MY mistake.
I trusted you to help take care of me. That was also MY mistake.
You kissed me. I kissed back. That was nice, but you wanted more. I was too drunk. I tried to push you off of me. You whispered that it was okay. Luckily people came around the corner and pulled you off. Luckily it didn’t go farther than my hands being held down, but still I felt confused. I felt ashamed.
I drank even more. I passed out. I fucked up.
Woke up the next morning with a throbbing head and glimpses of memories from the previous night. Luckily those strangers that you introduced me too turned to friends. Luckily they saw you enter the room I was passed out in. Luckily they stopped you for a second time that night.
I heard what happened while I was sleeping.
And for the first time in a long time I felt vulnerable. I hated those feelings. I hated you for those feelings. I hated myself for feeling anything at all. That entire summer I drank away the pain. I drugged myself until I felt better. I made myself forget you ever happened. Only for it to repeat a few years later.
I’m in my first ever “real” relationship. I lived with you. I wanted this to be forever. You refused to let me in. I refused to give up. I wanted my love to out weigh your toxic behavior.
The bar was open 24/7, and you thought I was too. I heard my self saying no constantly. I told you I needed sleep. I convinced myself that if I really loved you it didn’t matter what I wanted.
The word no slowly turned into my silence. The phrase not right now turned into if you drank less then sure. It was always a business transaction. Toward the end I needed to run away. I moved several times during those long 9 months. Never fully unpacking my bags. Always ready with a backup place to live. Always ready to jump ship, just in case.
I can’t seem to make myself forget.
And i have finally broken the notion that I am a whore. For the longest time I was told that because I sleep with so many people no one can cherish me. I’ve been told because I give myself up freely, so no one will love me. I’m finding it hard to love myself. I give myself up because it’s the little bit of control that I do have. If you won’t listen to the word no, then I’ll simply PRETEND it was my choice to say yes.
I’ve given myself to men. I’ve given myself to women. I’ve given my self to everyone. Anyone and everyone can have a turn, but my emotions are mine. I refuse to open up, to only be treated like “the whore I am”. If I’m going to be called a whore I may as well act the part.
I’m starting to treat myself with respect. I’m starting to know better. I’m starting to deal with these emotions. Writing these memories brought me to tears. It’s still too real for me. It’s still to present.
How can I let go of something that shaped so much of me? How can I apologize when hate myself for letting it get that far? How can I let them go when I can’t make you acknowledge what you did? How many times must i utter the words until you listen? How many times must I shake my head until you see? How many times must I lay on my back for you to love me? Just how many times…
The pain is still here, but I’m learning to grow.
These questions are for you. This paragraph is for you. I let you go. I vanish you from my thoughts. I release you from the harm. I must live thru each day. Each day I get a little bit stronger. A little bit further away. I little bit happier.
As I stated before I’m trying really hard to be open and honest with my readers. This is part of my journey. I know I’m not the ONLY one who has gone thru this. I know I’m not the only person to accuse someone from the “rave house” circa 2011/2012. If anyone ever wants to talk reach out.
Men can also be raped, and just because your together with someone does NOT mean your voice is too be silenced.
How many times should you say the word NO?
The little things always mater. No one likes to blame the little things. No one likes to take he blame. Well you know what… I’m tired of these games.
It’s the moments we don’t talk about. It’s the times we store away. It’s the thoughts we almost forgot. They add up. Slowly but surely you spiral down a deep, dark hole. There are no footholds to help you out. No ladder being thrust down. No voices you can hear.
Simply silence. It engulfs you. Darkness becomes you. Hatred cradles you like a sleeping baby.
This past week I’ve watched the show “13 reasons why”. Before I even stated the show I looked at others reactions. Some making fun of the presentation of the show, others being triggered emotionally. I didn’t think I would be either. I thought my memories of the past were simply that “Memories of the Past”.
Without giving any spoilers, the show is about a high school girl that commits suicide. She was severely bullied in a small town where everyone knows each other. Rumors were spread, friendships destroyed, and surprise always happen. Hannah (girl who commits suicide) sends out 13 tapes telling her portion of truth. Her “13 Reasons Why”.
While I don’t believe in blaming ANYONE for doing such a selfish action. This show has definitely trigger some major emotional thoughts for me recently, so with that being said I’d like to tell you a story…
I’m starting to look around and really evaluate my life, and my worth. I know I’m worth it, but worth what exactly. I begin to ask myself the question,”what is it that I want?”
I’m not sure how to answer that. We all say “I’m going after what I want”, “im chasing my dreams”, “I’m worth it”. How often do we stop and actually think about what those things mean?
From this point on. No more generic phrases. No more just saying stuff. No more chasing dreams. It’s time to actualize what I want. It’s time to put some concrete ideas together.
I can’t wait to show the world what I have to offer. I can’t wait to show the world what I know. I can’t wait to show my readers some different sides of me. This blog has been helpful with my battle against depression and anxiety. Now it’s time for this blog to act as a base for my true story. My unfiltered truth. My dreams turned to reality.
Until next week,
In the last few years I’ve started telling myself I’m worth it, but not truly believing it.
In the last few months I’ve started telling myself to accept my flaws, but not truly doing it.
In the last few weeks I’ve started telling myself to halt beating yourself down, but not truly stopping.
In the last few days I’ve started telling myself that I deserve the world, but not taking it.
In the last few hours I’ve started telling myself that you will be okay, and finally started to understand.
In the last few minutes I’ve started telling myself just get thru the next few minutes loving yourself, and finally stared to follow thru.
My battle with the monster is never ending, but if I can get thru the next few seconds I KNOW I will survive.
Just a little something I whipped up. Remember to always stay beautiful, and keep spreading the love. Contact me if your interested in a collaboration project I’m working on. I’m looking for fellow bloggers, writers(of any kind), photographers, artists, sketchers, etc. As always email, & social media is below.
Until next week,
If I could say anything to you it would be keep your head up. Life gets better. Don’t stop trying. Don’t keep hiding. I can never get this message across to you. I can never say it enough, but I will keep trying.
You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are worth it. Understand your value. Respect your self worth. Never give in to the undesirables.
If someone tells you to stop, don’t listen. If someone tells you that it’s a waste of time, don’t listen. If someone tells you something that doesn’t quite fit, don’t listen.
Listen to your heart, your mind, your soul. You are a beautiful sunflower. Raise your hands toward the sun and cry.
Cry because you can. Cry because it feels good. Cry because you need to. Cry just because.
But never forget to also…
Smile because it’s beautiful. Smile because your strong. Smile because your vulnerable. Smile because you can.
One day that phrase won’t be so hard to hear. One day I’ll be able to say it. One day I’ll be able to say it to you.
It’s three words, eight letters, and holds the power. Just keep pushing forward until that day.
But I’m learning. Im learning to love you. I’m learning to listen to you. I’m watching for the signs. Im paying attention to my thoughts. The feelings have come to the surface, and im tired of hiding them. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m simply sick and tired of being sick and tired.
But some days aren’t as bad as others. Some days are actually pretty good. Some days I’m able to smile at the image in the mirror, laugh at my own(sometimes bad) jokes, flirt with the stranger from the bar.
Since young I’ve made myself believe feelings are private. Feelings are only available to people close to you, but only if those people are feeling it too. Feelings have a negative connotation and if I feel them too often there must be something wrong with me. I HAVE to be strong. I HAVE to be professional. I HAVE to be masculine.
I’m still learning that none of that is true. I don’t HAVE to be anything. I don’t HAVE to bottle my feelings up. They are a part of life and growth. They make me feel wonderful. To be able to share with this blog every week my feelings and thoughts makes me feel less (insert word here).
I keep trying to “save” people from themselves. I can’t save the world if I can barely save myself. I’m going to go after the things I want. I’m going to better my current life. I’m going to ensure a wonderful future.
But first I must say that..:
You will not win. You will no longer hold me down. The stigma surrounding your name will not bother me. I will not feel ashamed, nor will I run away. I take back the power. I take back my life.
When I first heard your name I laughed out loud. I said it couldn’t rob me of life. I thought I was immune, so I continued to play with fire. I continued to poke fun. I continued to make decisions that would eventually change my life.
My diagnosis altered my life in more ways then one. At first I thought it was a death sentence. Shortly after I was diagnosed as positive I had two previous partners pass away from the disease. I thought “surely I must be next”. Fast forward a few months and too my surprise I wasn’t sick.
After the initial shock of being alive still I decided to “get better”. I started learning, teaching, sobering up. I met a man. It was wonderful. I could still be loved. I can still love myself. My value wasn’t lost.
So this letter is too you HIV. I thank you for giving me back my life. I thank you for making me stronger. I thank you for allowing me to grow.
As always, if anyone is going thru a situation they would like to talk about, stigma they can’t handle, depression that feels heavier then the world please reach out to me either thru FB, IG, Twitter, or by using the hashtag below.
Until next week,