things that go bump in the night.

You ever just wake up at, I don’t know, UNGODLY FUCKING HOURS OF THE NIGHT?

Like go to sleep at a “decent” time, lets say midnight and BAM your wide awake again by 2. Grab a drink, maybe a quick pit stop at the potty, snacking is a good option at this time of night. Do all the things your body “thinks” it needs. Go to lay back down in bed. Close your eyes. then your mind starts whispering, “watch some videos, play a game, jerk off, do something to re relax yourself.” You listen. Then all of a sudden you look at the time and its been two fucking hours!! What the hell mind I thought this was a good idea.

your mind, ” I LIED BISSSHHHH”

so basically this is me venting about the lovely things that happen when I get jerked awake and can’t fall back asleep.

Your welcome & without further ado…

a bitch session to my mind.

 

I can’t function correctly the next day. I can’t think straight. I don’t know how to handle life. I will literally question my entire existence now, thanks. Laying in bed, thinking of all the decisions I made that day & yesterday is so much fun. Not as much fun as the nights I’m awake to think about all the decisions I made 5 years ago. I really get the most pleasure when I cant stop thinking about ALL the decisions ive ever made. Even the ones I had no control over, yet somehow feel as if they were my fault. Yea, Those are my absolute favorite nights. So instead of thinking, I attempt my hand at being productive, but lets face it there is only so much I can do at 4am without people thinking I’m a weirdo, crackhead, or a slut. So I draft email responses, edit some photos, write blogs, plan out my life, re structure my budget (for the 100th team in the last two months), jerk-off (twice within the hour, sometimes more if I have A LOT of energy and nothing to do), contemplate my need for re-assurance, apply for scholarships, think about a second job, apply for second jobs, etc.

Okay, seriously that list is never-ending. The point is proven. I stay productive A.F, but even when ALL the tasks are done and I re-attempt sleep I’m still kept wide awake by the demons eating at me. Reminding me to think about all the times I fucked up, I hurt someone, I let someone down, I let myself down. Inevitably, im jolted back up into action attempting to derail my current train of thought because at this point its like beating a dead horse with broken sticks. I’m not getting anywhere, and the thoughts continue to infiltrate. 

 

So to the monster hiding in my brain, the dreams that wont stop turning into nightmares, the sudden overwhelming feelings of despair and sadness. Please let me sleep. I don’t want to numb myself in order to sleep anymore. While it helps locking you away, I also lose a bit of myself in the process. I am not the same person when I wake up. Sometimes, I can’t wake up. I’ll even make a deal with you guys, if you let me sleep for, at least, 4 hours every night I will allow myself the opportunity to visit more often. Sounds like a SWEET deal to me. 

NO?

Oh, you want all of my time? 

Yea, that’s not gonna work for me. Well I didn’t want to do this, but its back to plan Z. PILLS. I’m gonna go knock t.f out now, and when I do finally wake up I’ll figure out a new game plan because this game has got to end eventually. Right?

 

sincerely,

someone that’s why too tired of being way too tired. 

 

XOXO

Tyler

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