so I know I haven’t written in this space in a LOOONNNNGGG time. I am going to attempt to change that. Starting with this post. I’m not sure why, but im going to be doing this blog writing “interview style”. I will be interviewing myself. Mono e mono. (Is that even correct). Oh well. Lesss-a Go. *Mario Voice*
Inner Me: How have you been?
Regular Me: good?
Inner Me: good?
Regular Me: Okay. fine. I’ve been meh.
Would you care to elaborate on that?
Not really. It’s hard for me to open up to people and let them in on whats going on inside my head.
But… I’m already in your head.
Well then… I guess this is fine. Well as you know I went traveling in January.
Yes, well aware. The pictures are wonderful!
Thank you, well I learned something about myself that I thought I had lost forever.
What was that?
A sense of purpose, belonging, and drive.
So why are you feeling MEH?
Because since I’ve been back to Orlando, I haven’t done much with it. I feel like im at a standstill in life, and I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s daunting. That opportunities that were given to me in January are things I can never take back and for that I am so grateful, but I feel as if I have I come back to my regular life as a brand new person. However, the world around me is still the same. I just don’t know how to cope with this feeling.
But aren’t you in the process of starting a few new things?
Yes, and while I am excited to make the announcement on exactly what those new projects are; it still doesn’t feel enough. I am still working my same retail job, still getting to drunk for no apparent reason, still spending money I don’t have, & still generally fucking up. It feels as if I am in this void of take one step forward, but blowing everything behind me up. I just want to be able to continue to walk forward without destroying everything behind me. I’m not even sure if that makes sense.
Sure it does, what do you think you can do about these feelings?
drugs… lots and lots of drugs.
but didn’t you try that before?
and it felt amazing… at the moment. I didn’t have the opportunity to think back then. I wasnt focused on my career, or helping people. I just wanted more drugs & sex. My mind was blank and it was wonderful…
do you remember what happened once you ran out of the drugs?
I feel into the deepest depression of my life. I tried to kill myself. I quit living. but this time will be different, this time I wont run out.
You said that last time as well…
Your right… I know what you’re hinting at, and your correct. I need to learn from my past. I don’t want to fall back into that space. At least now I have some good days, and those outweigh even my blank days.
It sounds like to me you are trying to crawl out of this depression hole
you are correct again. Depression is something that never quite goes away, but is rather a never-ending war between you and the monsters hiding in the corners of your psyche
so then drugs are out?
Yea, they have been out. Sometimes I just contemplate an “easier” time. Anyways wasnt this interview supposed to be an update on my life?
YAAASSSSSS, but then it turned into a therapy session.
So whats new in your world?
Well the Messages From a Sunflower social media is finally up and running. MFAS is no longer just a blog about my life, but it is all-inclusive positive space. The goal is to spread a positive light on the world one message at a time; plus I love sunflowers. I am also in the process of starting my own underwear line. More details on that to come. Other than that like I said earlier, it’s the same B.S and another rotation of the Earth has been completed.
Well, im gonna stop the interview there. Maybe next time we can get your insight into exactly what trips you took in January?
Id love to.
Till then. This has been a real treat.
What you just read is a real conversation that I really have with myself. Its been happening more frequently than not. While I am looking forward to what lies ahead, I cant seem to get excited about my current situation. I know the only person who can change that is me. I am not looking for pity, or a pat on the shoulder, or even a good job. Simply using this space to express my thoughts, and give a little insight.
Till I build up the courage to write another post…