I remember the last time we spoke.
The last words we said to each other.
Luckily they were words of encouragement.
Luckily they were words from a loving place.
Luckily, you passed in peace.
The older I get the more I realize how fast life catches up to you. I notice just how flimsy a breath of air is. These past few weeks have been hard for me. The rainy season always brings up hidden emotions, but this year was a particularly hard one.
With this blog, I’ve unearthed memories of very distant past. I’ve re-hashed emotional states I thought I had repressed for good. I’m glad I’ve had an opportunity to tackle these emotions head on.
In case your wondering who I’m talking about in the first paragraph, it’s a number of people.
Its my life.
My grandfather passed away 3 years ago. He was the closest thing I ever had to a father figure. He attempted to teach me right from wrong. Showed me the meaning of being a man and caring for your family. He loved me unconditionally.
He died on Father’s Day. I remember the phone call. I remember walking back from gambling. I remember, I simply broke down. I remember my best friend had to carry me home. I couldn’t hold myself up. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even see straight. The subsequent weeks were a blur. Being in and out of consciousness. I ingested so much drugs and alcohol that I though I legitimately might die.
It wasn’t until MUCH after his funeral did the gray clouds clear away…
The clouds returned on Oct 5, 2016. Im returning home (late). The door is locked. That’s a little out of the ordinary. We don’t lock the bottom lock though. Our keys didn’t work in the bottom lock. Why is the handle LOCKED.?!?! The nighbor comes outside.
“Are you looking for ______.
Yes I live here.
The paramedics just left with ______.
What do you mean?
Who was where?
I’m not sure but I’m sure we will have answers”
The next morning I was woken up to a phone call. Your “boyfriend” let me know the tragic news. Your parents had already been by the house. The door was unlocked. I was numb. For a week straight I blacked out. I smoked so much meth, it started to hurt to blink. I had so much mindless sex, I couldn’t remember my own name. It wasn’t until I sat in your bed that I cried. It wasn’t until I met the radio family that it hit me. It wasn’t until I remembered your voice saying your infamous line:
Life’s too serious to be taken seriously…
Rewind many years ago. Rewind back to my childhood. Rewind back to the memories we shared. Those memories masquerade as only dreams. I’m positive we had good times, but we were so young. We lost our connection too soon. We never had the chance to be kids together. We couldn’t even fight. We couldn’t even talk together. My dearest sister we almost celebrated our first Christmas together. We’ve spoken thru my sleep. We’ve seen each other’s smile thru the grace of GOD. We have protected each other this entire time.
The gray clouds never seemed to roll in with us…
Life is filled with loss. I’ve lost a lot of my life due to unforeseen circumstances. I’ve given up a lot of my life due to addictions, and sadness. These things continue to push me in a better direction. These people I lost continue to aid me in a positive lifestyle. With each passing a new piece of the puzzle clicks into place.
I thank y’all. Without y’all I’d be lost still. Without y’all there is no telling where I would be.