Every time I think about you; I cry.
Every time we talk; I cry.
Every time someone mentions your name; I cry.
I cry a lot. You may not see the tears, you may not believe me, but I’m telling you I love you.
You were my world. I loved you more than myself. I may not have shown it. I could have done a better job of letting you in, but I didn’t know how to do that. It was supposed to be “us against the world”. You broke my heart before we could put up a fight.
As children we fought ALOT. We were so close in age. Stubborn as mules, strong as an ox, and wise beyond our years. We handled our childhood differently. You held on to “DADDY”, I hid behind “MOMMY”. I wish I could take back the nasty words I said. I swear we had some good times, but they usually ended abruptly in a fight over something petty.
I still remember the day your broke my heart into a million pieces. I never thought you would break me. I never thought you would stab me like that.
About a year before I officially left the house, we had a heartfelt moment. I had been getting kicked out every other week. HER boyfriend at the time, had more control than any of the ones in the past. She was mentally destroyed. We both lashed out in different ways.
I stayed silent, ignored everything and everyone.
You fought back, refusing to embrace him.
But we had a moment together. A moment I will never forgot. I had asked you one thing. One favor. One microscopic request. I asked you NOT to smoke weed with the two younger ones. I didn’t want you to influence their decisions, didn’t want you to force their hand. I needed you to be a better example.
You failed miserably. Not even 6 months after I left you came to me. Told me you had been kicked out, told me the reason why. I didn’t get mad, I didn’t scream or shout, I simply opened the door and said you have to get out. What you don’t know is that I cried. I got on the phone and sobbed. You had broken my heart. Our relationship was never the same.
I’m sorry for the part I played in our downfall. I’m sorry I never reached out to you to make sure you were okay. I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m sorry for not being the big brother you needed. I’m truly sorry for all the wrong I’ve done.
I love all my siblings, but we had a different bond.