I hate you for loving him. I hate you for needing him. I hate you because you are you. I HATE you.
There is so much self hate it hurts. My brain tells me to not say those things, but in my heart it’s what I feel.
I can forgive, but will never forget.
That statement doesn’t seem to exist when it comes to myself. Instead I should say I can forgive everyone else for their wrong doings, but will never allow myself to forget the pain I let them cause.
I hate you for being weak. I hate you for being different. I hate you for feelin small. I HATE you.
If there was a stronger word then hate I would use it. Body dismorphia doesn’t seem to cut it. I miss being on massive amounts of drugs because at least then I hated myself a bit less. Well that’s not entirely true.
I was just too high all the time to know that I hated myself. I gave my body away for drugs, alcohol, money, and the need to feel loved. I thought that someone else could love me past my self hate.
I now know that isn’t true. I now know that tears must be shed. I now know that this must be written. This is a constant reminder of where I am today. Tomorrow I will look back at this and get a bit better.
So yea, I hate you, but…