When faced with adversity many of us simply run. We run because it’s easier than facing our fears. The term fight or flight plays a much bigger role than many acknowledge. I have made the decision to fight fear everyday.
I am an HIV positive man. I became positive August of 2014. When I was 18 I made the very conscious decision to no longer use protection. This was not an easy decision, but it was one that I made knowing the consequences that would/could occur. I had tried my best to only hookup who guys who are “clean”.
When my use of drugs became so heavy I gave up on life I also stopped caring about the “clean” guys. I simply needed to fix any and all urges. When I was diagnosed I was terrified. I wasn’t scared of the disease, I was scared of the stigma attached to it.
The questions that constantly ran thru my mind, “do I deserve love?”, “do I deserve to live?”, “what if I just gave in to the sickness?”, “what if I just died instead?”
It wasn’t until March of the following year when I found love for the first time. He made me believe that I did deserve all those things. I did deserve a life. He also made me believe that I lived to serve him; that I would never be good enough; that I was simply mediocre.
Fast forward 9 months later, I had come to the realization that I deserved more. That man made me want to live life again and I will forever be grateful for that; he also made me realize that I can’t take on another persons insecurities as my own downfalls. Those were his issue he had to deal with not mine.
Back to the point of this weeks post.
For a long time I was scared. I woke up everyday afraid of the “what ifs” in life. If I continued to let those fears control my day to day life I would be dead, i would still be in an abusive relationship, I would still be doing drugs. Instead I stand up and fight every day because I AM worth it.
Everyone must fight their fears in their own way: some with research, some with time, some with patience. Continue to fight your own demons even when you feel you will fail. Stay golden pony boy and remember we are all just sunflowers growing in a field.
Until next week,